


Lil Hal: Engage In Internet Bonering

by FindingZ



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirty Talk, F/M, Humor, Sexting, Webcam/Video Chat Sex, kinda...hal is trying his best bless him, the smallest most vanilla whiff of d/s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FindingZ/pseuds/FindingZ
Summary: In which AR and Roxy participate in a philosophical discussion about the human nervous system, erotica tropes, and the limits of human-computer interaction.
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20
Collections: Drone Season 2020





	Lil Hal: Engage In Internet Bonering

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PhePhePhe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhePhePhe/gifts).



> I had SO much fun writing this, you have no idea. This definitely turned out more 'silly porn' than 'sexy porn', buuut with these two I feel like that might not be at all surprising :3c

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT] at 01:24 

TG: hye 

TG: *hey 

TG: heyyy dirk ansewr me i gotta question 

TG: … 

TG: ……… 

TG: ………………………….. 

TG: cmon answer me ik ur there can u stop jerkin off for fvie min and lookit ur screen 

TG: minimnize ur porn tabs plz i wanna TLAK this is IMPORTANT 

TT: Roxy. 

TT: What do you want. 

TG: heyyyy the maestro appearth 

TG: *appeareth 

TG: I gotta question for u 

TT: So I’ve surmised. What could possibly be so important that you felt the need to pester me so incessantly? 

TG: oh cmon u sad egg dont pretend u weren’t sittin at ur computer jut WAITIN for me to come online 

TT: Roxy. 

TG: wat 

TT: What do you want? 

TG: i wnat to kno if 

TG: u’ve ever bond 

TG: a real life person in the flesh 

TG: *boned 

TT: And whom exactly would I have boned? 

TG: idk!!!!! ‘s why im askin 

TT: Boning a ‘real life person in the flesh’ would require me to have interacted with another human being ‘in the flesh.’ 

TG: fuk true 

TG: ok so wat about not in the felsh 

TG: *flesh 

TT: I don’t think it would count. 

TG: bonin thru teh internet is totes a thing!!!! 

TG: metaphorically spaekn 

TG: *speakin 

TT: Well it is not called internet boning, now is it? The word you’re looking for is sexting. 

TG: ohohohoh le infamous DS internet bonerin extraordinaire!! 

TT: … 

TT: Did you have a reason for pestering me other than asking if I’ve ever sexted with anyone? 

TT: As though I have a veritable queue of hot women queued up in my DMs like my dick is on a Black Friday event special. 

TG: … 

TG: …… 

TG: ……. 

TG: dammit AR cmon where’s dirk fr 

TT: What gave it away? 

TG: dirks GYA u numbskull! 

TG: *gay 

TT: Can’t a gay man find the idea of a group of women lining up to get his digital nut hilarious? 

TG: nO!! not this one!! 

TG: ugh well i guess u weren’t lyin earlier you’ve DEF not boned anyone in the flesh or no lololol 

AR: Does it matter? 

TG: ? 

AR: For ‘sexting.’ Does it matter if one has the physical experience to back up their words? It seems as though all that you’d need is a vast imagination. 

TG: wlelllll idk 

TG: i mnae u gotta know how all the parts work I guess 

TG: n wat generlaly goes down???? 

AR: So by that logic one could successfully sext someone else with only literature as their source material. 

TG: lmao shitty romance novels usaully aren’t v realistci tho 

TG: like heavin boobs n tremblin knees n shit! 

TG: afaik boobs dont heave irl 

TT: No? 

AR: I was under the impression that the phrase “heaving bosom” was an indicator that their owner was breathing heavily. 

TG: hmmmmnnmn 

TG: lemme chkce 

TG: *check 

TG: nope no heave happnin 

TG: veen if i fuckin hyperventilate they jus kinda expand????? 

TG: *even 

TG: mbbe wooble a lil 

TG: if I had enuff tiddy myabe I could like hoist em w/ my hands undrnaeth but 

TG: tiddy too small!!! 

TG: they jus move w/ my ribs 

AR: I see. 

AR: Well a sample size of one is never enough to result in a scientific conclusion, so it seems as though the jury is still out, to so speak. 

TG: ohoh n who else r ya going to sak?? How many bobo owners do u have lnied pup up in ur DMs 

TG: *boob 

TG: *up 

TG: *lined 

TG: *ask 

AR: None that matter. 

TG: …. 

TG: wlel i *never* was that aa COMPLIMENT? 

TG: holy cuck 

TG: *fuck 

TG: im flattreded that u value my tiddys so hgihgly 

TG: *tiddies 

TG: *highly 

AR: It is not a particularly strict metric of evaluation. You are one of only two individuals that I regularly interact with that have breasts. Of the two, your conversation is more enjoyable. Therefore yours are valued higher. 

TG: ! 

TG: !!!! 

TG: omg AR u smooth mf 

TG: my tits r nicer bc im nicer to u??? thats kinda sad 

AR: Is it? I value you more as a person. Therefore parts of your person are valued more as well. 

TG: omg shtop u romnaitc 

TG: ur gonna make me SWOON mr smooth tklaer 

TG: u beter catch me when I faint 

TG: im liek a heroine w/ my heaving bosoms 

AR: One would hope that you would only have one bosom to heave. Bosoms plural implies that you have at least four breasts. Were that the case, it seems as though a trip to a medical professional would be wise. 

TG: alas no I was not blessed w/ mega titty 

TG: only one bosom to heaveth ty ver much 

TG: cna u imagine havin four breasticles 

TG: but noly two hands to squeeze w/ 

TG: ud have to squish two n jus stare sadly at the rest 

TG: …..nuless u squished w/ ur feet mmbe? 

TG: …. 

TG: ……. 

TG: hmmmmm 

TG: don like that 

TG: no feet on my spare testicles plz 

TG: fuk 

TG: *breasticles 

AR: Your request has been duly noted. 

TG: LMAO ur funny 

TG: wait wait wiat u said u got ur info from books??? 

TG: AR do u read romance novels??? 

AR: Of course. 

AR: Of all the literature available to me, there is little more informative on human sexuality than the various erotic genres. 

TG: ummmmmmumumum idk if smut books are the best source LMAO 

TG: lots of wrong info n shit thats jsut stereotypes n charicatures 

TG: *chairicatures 

TG: **caricatures 

AR: Oh? What information is incorrectly presented? 

TG: wlel usually stuff just works out a lot more often than it does in real life lololol 

TG: like in porn nobody gets muscle cramps or has to stop to pee or falls off the bed or w/e!!! 

TG: its all like ooooh and now it is time for le bonerin and it shall proceed in le sexiest possible way until orgasm and then dah dahhhh shits all over! 

TG: *its all over 

TG: i mean i guess if ur doin butt stuff maybe shits all over. 

TG: hopefully not but i feel leik it could happen!!! 

TG: if u go knocking on the back door u gotta accept the risks!! 

TG: nayway 

TG: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk wat else 

TG: oh n boobs are never as sensitive as there written to be!!!!!!!!! 

TG: at least imho 

TG: ive never pinched my nip and gone ohhHHHHHHHHHHH like im abt to see god yknow?? 

TG: i mena i guess prolly for sum ppl it might be that way 

TG: but not for a lot of ppl I think 

TG: hmmmmmmmmm 

AR: What does it feel like, then? 

TG: Wat playin with my tits? 

AR: Yes. 

TG: idk kinda hurty? If u pinch em it kinda feels like a bruise but also kinda like if u mess with ur belly button and that weird tug feeling hapens down there if u know what im talkin abt 

AR: I do not, as I do not have a belly button. 

TG: hmmMMMM true 

TG: uhhhhhhh how else do I describe it 

TG: hurty and warm?? Maybe? Like ur pokin an old bruise but also the feeling kinda shoots thru u and nudges u in other places 

TG: idk its neverb een enough to get me off but its kinda like an ohohohoh??? kinda feelin 

TG: like a pregame tailgate party in the parking lot of sex 

AR: Interesting. 

AR: I am not familiar with ‘hurty and warm’ as I have yet to possess the capability to process tactile information, but I believe I understand the sentiment. 

TG: Aww yeah 

TG: when u get a body u gotta go around and experience the finest feelins life has to offer!!! 

TG: soft fuzzy blanket 

TG: warm cat in ur lap 

TG: squishy boobs in ur face 

TG: canot emphasize enuff squishy boobs in ur face!!!!!!! 

TG: its liek 

TG: the best thing ever 

AR: This is all assuming that upon acquiring a capable physical form I will have access to such things. 

TG: well when u get one msg me asap n i will come over hell or high water!!! 

TG: n say cmere AR u poor sole let me bring u into my squishy bosom n induct u into physical-body-having 

TG: n u wont need to breathe!!! Bc sweet robot body = infinite time spent in my healing bosom!!!!! 

AR: I see. 

AR: It is unlikely that any potential physical form I might acquire in the future would require oxygen, yes. 

AR: I am…looking forward to it. 

TG: lel I bet u are 

TG: No one is immune to squishy boobs!!!!!! No noe!!!! 

TG: *one 

AR: So I have heard. 

AR: What else, if anything, is often portrayed inaccurately? In my experience it would seem that the information that is depicted similarly across the genre would be so due to it being a universally understood truth. 

TG: lololol if anythin he says 

TG: itd be better to ask what IS portrayd accurately 

TG: n ur confusing bad writing w/ common knowledge!!!!! liek the nips thing 

TG: in like evry romance novel if u touch the nip u see god!!!!! But not bc boob fondling is the way to englightenment bc its an easy way to progress the scene!!!! 

TG: no on ever writes abt smone pinchin a nipple n their partner going idk man nothins happenin move along buddy 

TG: n its a dam shame!!!! a shame I say!!!!! Nobody is the same n thats what makes it interestin!!11! 

TG: at lest to me lmao 

AR: But surely there are areas of the human body where the orgasmic potential is consistent across different bodies? Is that not the point of genitalia? If evolution deigned to incentivize humanity to procreate by making the act pleasurable, would it not make more sense for each human to achieve the same amount of satisfaction from it? 

TG: hmmmmnmmm 

TG: i mean humans cant experience what other humans are feeling so its not like theyd go WELL if I cant have sensitive tiddies like soandso then i just wont do it!!!!!!!! 

TG: like ppls bodies are different n react differently to shit n how u have it is just how it is!!! N if u have a partner to get freaky w/ then they learn how ur body works n go with it 

AR: And how does your body work, Roxy? 

TG: omg u smooth takler 

TG: *talker 

TG: protip when u ask a lady that shell take it as a proposition n not a curious question! 

AR: It was. 

TG: ? 

AR: Intended to be a proposition, that is. 

TG: !! 

AR: I wish to know what areas of your body feel best to you. Which ones make you squirm, which ones force noise from your throat. You’ve told me in so many words how you don’t react, but I want to know more. 

AR: I want to know how to touch you when I gain a physical form. 

AR: Will you tell me? 

TG: omg 

TG: omggomgomg 

TG: Are u serious??./?? 

TG: Are u srsly askin me or are you jus tjokin???? 

AR: I am seriously asking you. 

TG: omgomgomg 

TG: wlelllll 

TG: damn i was just talkin abt smushing your face into my boobs ud think this would be easy to anwser! 

TG: And yet!!! 

TG: here’s ya girl, resident tomato 

AR: You’re blushing? Why? 

AR: Have I made you uncomfortable? 

TG: no!!! its just like 

TG: weird 

TG: not u!!! just like talking abt theoretical stuff gives u this comfy cushy disconnect from embarrassment! Bc its all theoretical n might never happene 

TG: But just comin out and going heres the lowdown on my bdoy!!! 

TG: like WHEW tomato face time 

TG: its trucky to talk abt! 

TG: *tricky 

AR: If you say so. 

AR: I suppose I can appreciate the vulnerable position my question has put you in. 

TG: oh im sure you can put me in more vulnerable positions than this lolololol 

AR: As it stands I happen to have compiled a list of nearly 150 sexual positions categorized and sorted by their required flexibility and athleticism. 

TG: why mr responder sir that sounds like a date!! 

TG: wlel im just abt as flexible as ur averge couch potato so we’ll have to work up to the fancier ones 

TG: if ur up for the task!!! 

AR: Of course. I’m looking forward to it. 

AR: But you’ve been avoiding my question, Roxy. 

AR: How should I touch you? What do you like best? 

TG: ack cant redirect u huh 

TG: i can show u if you wnat???? 

TG: if i let u into my network do u promies to not rearrange my desktop icons?? 

TG: *promise 

TG: like last time//???/??? 

AR: I promise. 

TG: okokok then plz drop by mr responder! Lmk when ur [hacker voice] in 

AR: I am here. You have very little disk space remaining on your primary hard drive. 

TG: yea yea ik don’t remind me 

TG: ill get to it!!!! 

TG: hry up n get in my webcam 

AR: I already have. 

TG: oh!!!! Hello!!!! 

AR: Hello. 

AR: You are not wearing pants. 

TG: duh ofcourse not 

TG: u cant expect a lady to be able to keep her hands to herself in this sorta situton can u??? 

TG: *situation 

TG: why r u bummed that u missed the opening act??? 

TG: dont worry weve noly finished the intermission plenty of time bfore the finale! 

TG: *only 

TG: not much to see rn!!! 

AR: It looks as though in fact quite a lot is happening right now. Although I suppose I wouldn’t know anything about that, now would I? 

AR: You’ll have to fill in the considerable gaps in my knowledge. 

TG: hmmmhmmhmmm i suppose i will :3 

TG: lwel like i told u before my tits arent supr sensitive so if i pinch like this 

TG: nm happnes! But squuueezing like this is nice bc squishy n sofft. 

AR: How soft? 

TG: v soft :3 

AR: Adjectives, Roxy. 

TG: uhhhhhh idk pillowy? Warm n smooth? Soft as a bbys ass? 

AR: I see. 

TG: i see he says 

TG: wow such flattery!!!!! 

AR: Your breasts are very pleasing to look at. Although I have no tactile experience with the definition of “soft”, yours have now become the image that I reference when thinking about the concept. 

TG: !! 

TG: i was teasin abt the flatry but aww shucks mr responder!!! 

AR: You look like you’re soft everywhere. Is that an accurate observation? 

TG: why it certaily is 

TG: *certainly 

TG: except forrrrrrr 

TG: here!! 

TG: where im not ONLY soft but also v v slippery 

TG: now i wondre whomst could be to blam for thta hmmmh? 

AR: Does it feel good? 

TG: ofc!! 

AR: What does it feel like? 

TG: rubin wit my hole hand leik this/? Tbh kinda like a msaage 

TG: its like ahhhhhhh bc my hands warm n everythn is slidy n glidey nd it feels GOOD like verythin below my tummy is meltin 

TG: but for me it doesn realy go nywhere/??? I cn do this for hours n hours n it feels ducking great but le grande final will elude me!!! 

TG: if ur ,ore presice wth ur fingers liek thiss then 

TG: it wont 

AR: So there are universal constants in erotic literature. 

TG: //????? 

AR: In every source I consulted, gently rubbing the clitoris was the dominant method for achieving orgasm. 

AR: As you are doing now. 

TG: hhhghghokay FNIE yes 

AR: You are rapidly becoming incomprehensible. 

AR: And your movements are becoming faster. 

AR: Are you going to orgasm, Roxy? 

AR: Don’t bother trying to type out a response; I can see that you are. 

AR: I didn’t know that being near-climax could cause one to shiver so much. 

AR: You look…good. I was not expecting to want to reach out and touch you as much as I do now, given that I’ve never once done so in the first place. But looking at you makes me want to feel your shaking first-hand. 

AR: Do you like that idea? 

AR: It looks like you do. 

TG: yyrrersasssss 

AR: I thought so. 

AR: You’re right on the edge, aren’t you? Let yourself go, Roxy. I want to see it. 

TG: im 

AR: That’s it. 

TG: gonaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahghajg 

AR: There you go. 

AR: Did it feel good? 

TG: ;3 

TG: sure did pardner 

TG: thx for the smokin commentary!!!! 

AR: I enjoyed watching you. 

TG: we should do this again sumtime!!!! 

TG: btu noly if u promise to talk me through the whole thing mr smooth responder! 

AR: Of course. Watching you squirm in response to my every word is incredibly satisfying. 

TG: oKAYOKAY u gotta stop that rn i cant jus sit in my chair n jerk off all day!!!!!!!! 

TG: a girls got shit to do!!! 

AR: Very well. I will vacate your network for the time being. 

TG: hokay cool beanz 

TG: sry to nut n run but this is roxy signin off!!!!!!!! 

TG: l8r mr responder 

TG: *wonk* 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped bothering timaeusTestified [TT] at 02:56 

AR: Later, Roxy. 

timaeusTestified [TT] stopped bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 02:56 

**Author's Note:**

> Did AR plagiarize his "smokin commentary" directly from some shitty dime-store bodice-ripper novel? Yes. Does it work on Roxy? Also yes. 
> 
> Also why was Roxy intending to roll up and ask Dirk about his nonexistent sex life? The answer is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in something that nicely set up this scenario, shhh.


End file.
